Controller: Joystick

This is quite possibly the first (and only) example of a video game being based on a television commercial.

You take control of Chuckie the Dog as he gets to live out every 1980’s dog’s dream and chase the chuck wagon. Unlike the TV dog however, it’s relatively easy for Chuckie to catch it.

Rather than start out in the family living room like his TV counterpart, Chuckie begins his quest in the middle of a maze that must be completed in under sixty seconds (thirty if playing on the difficult setting). There are four different stages that consist of mazes that were deemed too easy for the back of kids menus. In fact, the only challenge at all comes from the incredibly narrow entryways that will cause Chuckie to get hung up if he doesn’t hit it just right.

Standing between him and the chuck wagon is the world’s lousiest dog catcher and some random haunted items that float across the screen. The haunted item can be something that resembles a meatball, a severed cat head, a bone, or a rival dog. If it comes into contact with Chuckie he will be frozen for a few seconds, which usually isn’t a big deal unless the trajectory of the item causes it to hit him multiple times, resetting the freeze counter with every hit. This isn’t a huge deal unless the dog catcher is nearby, which is highly unlikely due to him being absolutely terrible at his job.

Apparently good help is hard to find, because there really isn’t any other way to explain how this guy got the job. Instead of actively pursuing Chuckie, the dog catcher randomly moves around the maze. Often times he will pace back and forth down a single corridor, giving the chuck wagon pursuing pooch free reign over the maze. The only time the dog catcher becomes dangerous is when he decides to patrol the lone pathway to the exit.

When you successfully complete the maze you are taken to a bonus level. A bowl of dog food descends from the heavens at a rapid pace, forcing you to press the button when it is parallel to Chuckie. If you hit it just right, you have a happily fed puppy. If you don’t, Chuckie watches helplessly as his dinner falls to the abyss below.

If you want to see a prime example of just how insane the early 1980’s video game landscape was (i.e. a mail order game from a dog food company based on one of its commercials) then you should check this out. If you are looking for a fun game, you should look elsewhere.

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Controller: Joystick

Given that this is one of the earliest 2600 games to be released, it comes as no surprise that Air-Sea Battle is an overly simplistic “shoot everything that moves” game.

Despite the simplicity, there is a fair amount of variety to be found here. There are six different ways for you to blow things up, and several different variations of each game type. Granted the differences are somewhat minor, such as your missiles being guided and there being random objects like blimps getting in the way of your shots. This doesn’t add a lot to the game, but it is a nice change of pace, albeit a small one. The vast majority of the game types put you head to head against a friend, a couple of the games puts the computer in charge of the other gun. Of course the AI is extremely limited, so don’t expect anything more than a constant stream of unaimed shots coming from your opponent.

Each of the six game types play out in the same general way. There is a single screen with theme specific ships moving along a pre-determined path at varying speeds. On the opposite side of the screen you and your opponent are set up to unleash volley after volley to see who can hit the most targets in the time allotted. The game lasts precisely two minutes and sixteen seconds (per the manual), or until someone gets 99 points. And no, I haven’t the foggiest idea why the timer is two minutes and sixteen seconds. That said, let’s look at the different varieties of gameplay.

Anti-Aircraft: You are in control of an Anti-Aircraft gun and must shoot down everything from large planes, small planes and tiny helicopters that are flying above you. In the more advanced game you will have giant blimps flying just above you that soak up shots yet give you no points. You can’t move your AA gun, however it can be aimed at three different angles.

Submarine: You are in control of a Submarine and you must blow up every manner of sea faring vessel. Unlike the AA game, you can move your Sub left and right across your half of the screen. With the guided missile option your shot follows you on your journey across the screen, giving you the opportunity to correct your shot.

Shooting Gallery: This is by far the creepiest gameplay variety, since not only do you have to shoot ducks and bunnies, but occasionally the screen is filled with giant smiley faces. I’m not sure why they are smiling so big, but I’m sure that they will haunt your dreams.

Polaris: You are in a fast moving submarine that is in constant motion at the bottom of the screen. While it is impossible to stop, it is possible to speed up or slow down your ship, giving you the chance to time your shot to hit the aircraft above. Depending on which player you are, your opponent will either be directly above or below you.

Bomber: This is the exact opposite of Polaris, as instead of Subs you are in Bombers flying above.

Polaris vs Bombers: The most interesting of the game types. One player is in a bomber above, while the other player is in a Sub below. Same basic concept, but the only time you get to fire directly at your opponent.

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Controller: Joystick

Strap into the cockpit and take flight to engage in a not so thrilling dogfight against an entire enemy squadron.

Sadly you aren’t just fighting the enemy and a constant barrage of flak coming from anti-aircraft guns, you are also fighting against the stupidest ground crew in the history of warfare.

When you begin you are on the runway and must take off, which sounds simple enough. Your plane automatically gains speed and at the appropriate time you must pull back on the stick to take off. Do it too soon and you crash, which means you can actually get a game over in less than a second if you aren’t careful. Do it too late and you run off the runway. Of course the game gives you no indication of when it is safe to take off, because having that kind of information from your ground crew would make your life way too easy.

Once you crash and burn a few times and finally get the hang of taking off, it’s time to engage the enemy. For the most part they fly in packs of three along the horizon. They don’t actually attack you, rather they appear to just be out for a leisurely Sunday fly. Their flak cannons however can do great damage to you. There isn’t a damage meter or a power bar of any sorts, so you will never know if you are about to be brought down or not. The best bet is to just stay out of the “flak zone” that is marked on your plane’s dashboard.

Now that you are in the air, have a target and know what area of the sky to avoid, it’s time to open fire. Just don’t put the hammer down since you are limited to 99 bullets. This takes a lot of fun out of the game because instead of being able to go crazy with the hot lead, you have to carefully aim and squeeze off short bursts. Granted this is more on the realistic side, but if we wanted realism we would have taken flying lessons and not bought a video game. You also have a fuel gauge that depletes at varying speeds depending on what you do (climbing higher uses more fuel than diving for example). If you start to run low on fuel you must carefully decrease your altitude to zero and wait for the runway to appear. This only happens if you have successfully shot down at least ten enemy planes, since apparently your commanding officer just wants the good pilots to survive.

This brings us to the proof that you have the stupidest ground crew in the history of warfare. When you land they completely refuel your plane, so one would assume that since you are about to take off back into an active war zone they would refill your ammo as well. This would be an incorrect assumption, because they only give you a single bullet for every plane you shot down. This wouldn’t be a huge deal if they added it to your stock, but that’s not the case. For example, if you shot down say, 12 planes and landed with 40 ammo left, you would be taking off again with 12 shots rather than 52. It’s like the ground crew wants you to die.

Between the lack of fight in the enemy, the variety of cheap ways to die and having to deal with rampant ground crew stupidity, there isn’t very much good to be found here.

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Genre: Arcade

Your mission is to infiltrate enemy territory, kill every soldier you find and blow up each of their eight mega fortresses.  Sadly due to recent budget cuts you will have to undertake this mission single handedly.  What sort of supplies will you be getting?  Well given there are thousands of troops standing between you and victory a standard issue machine gun and three hand grenades should be plenty.  If for some reason that is inadequate for you to complete your task I wouldn’t worry, the enemy is very well financed so I’m sure you’ll be able to pick up more grenades along the way.   Good luck!

Each of the eight levels play out in the same way.  You start at the bottom of the screen, usually surrounded by enemy soldiers who already have their fingers on the trigger, and you must make your way to the mega fortress that is way North of your position.  Not only do the soldiers move quickly, but their shots do as well, so if you don’t take them out as soon as they appear it is very easy to get overwhelmed by the onslaught of bullets.  The only other things you really have to worry about are speeding trucks that randomly drive across the battlefield and trenches.  And I don’t mean the soldiers that are in the trenches as they are easily taken out with a grenade, but the trenches themselves.  Despite the fact that you are a hardened soldier that is taking on an entire army without any support, if you step into a trench you die.  I’m going to assume they are booby trapped in some way since I’d like to think a hard nosed military guy could survive a four foot drop.

Once you survive the enemy platoon it’s time to take on the mega fortress, which is done in two steps.  Step one is to do what you have been doing up until this point, killing everyone you come across.  Step two is to simply step inside the building which triggers a massive explosion, which thanks to there being no delay makes it look like you are a suicide bomber.  After a few moments of enjoying the destruction you are sent off to the next level where you are once again set loose upon the enemy.

There are two main problems with the game, the hero and the controls.  Your character is rather large, which poses a problem since everyone in the world is currently shooting at you.  He also isn’t the fleetest of foot, so trying to escape the onslaught typically doesn’t end well.  The other main issue is the controls.  The 2600 controller only has one button, which means if you want to throw a grenade you have to stop firing your machine gun and hold the button down for what seems like an eternity.  As you can imagine that poses a bit of a problem when you are on an active battlefield.

Commando is one of the latest releases on the system, so it comes as no surprise that it is among the most technically advanced games on the 2600.  Of course this came out well after the NES version, making it completely obsolete.  Still, it is worth a look if you are curious as to how far the 2600 could be pushed.

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Publisher: Atari

Step on the links, pick up a club, and play a round of golf like you have never played before.

You will use your 9-iron to pull off backwards shots, use your cleats to kick the ball towards the green, and consider it a victory if you get back to the clubhouse with a swing count under a hundred.

There are nine holes with a total of thirty-six par, with a nice selection of par threes, fours, and fives. When the golfer steps into the tee box, it’s vital that you take a few steps back and do some practice swings. Once there is a basic understanding of how the club moves, it’s time to line up your shot. Since the ball will travel at whatever angle and direction the club hits it, you will have to get creative in order to make it to the green.

On a basic hole the first shot will be pretty standard looking, however after that the only way to make it to the green is to position the golfer below the ball and facing away from the pin, and swing the club above his head to send it in the proper direction. This will continue until the ball reaches the green. Now it’s time to putt, which is done in the same way, only with a little more finesse.

Despite the system limitations, the designers still included sand traps, water hazards and trees to make your journey to the pin difficult. While this isn’t a realistic representation of the sport, it’s still worth a play as it has its own weird charm and challenge to it.

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Controller: Joystick/Paddles

This is one of the more, ahem, unique adult titles on the 2600.

Beat Em and Eat Em is the perverts version of Kaboom. You control naked ladies who are patrolling the street below a two story building that has a naked madman running across the roof making it rain (and not in the “throw a bunch of ones up in the air at a strip club” sense). Well I guess if we are going to get technical it would be more like making it snow, but still, you get the point.

Your ladies have their heads tilted to the sky in order to catch the…umm…snow flakes with their mouth. According to the game manual you gain a point for every drop you catch, and then proceeds to scold you for any missed drop because “it could have been a doctor or lawyer.” This one sentence proves that nobody should ever, ever get their sex education from an Atari 2600 game. Each round has a pre-set number of drops that will be in play (because after all, a guy has limits right?). After the successful completion you will get a breather before the next, faster round begins. If you are able to earn a score of 69 you get a bonus life. Once you have lost all your lives (i.e. let all those future doctors and lawyers die on the sidewalk) a thunderstorm rolls in and ends your game.

On a side note, do yourself a favor and read the instruction manual if you can find it, because it is a masterpiece of innuendo. To give you an idea, the difficulty selection is explained as “Game two is more difficult as there is only one female”, but the easier option is the “Swinger” option, since there are two women there to take on the man. The amazing doesn’t end with the instruction manual as the box cover looks like the woman stole Gene Simmons’ tongue.

Lady in Wading puts you in the role of a lady who is willing to go to great lengths to get some action. Her horny old man is trapped in a tower on the other side of a moat, and it’s up to her to rebuild the bridge brick by brick. That in itself would be a time consuming and difficult task, but it is made infinitely more so by the fact that there is a hungry crocodile nipping at your feet and an annoying gremlin that will bite you in the bum and hold you in place for the croc to turn the water red with your blood. On the more difficult setting the flying creature that looks like an extra from Demon Attack will rain fireballs down upon you, making your task nearly impossible to complete.

The only saving grace of this game is that you don’t have a set number of lives, rather you have a counter that constantly counts up. This was probably deemed necessary due to the fact that the controls are so bad that your lady will die dozens of times on her short quest to bump uglies with her man. Oh, and for those expecting some sort of explicit action once you survive the gauntlet, you will be sorely disappointed because bumping uglies is all the happy couple does. In fact, if you mistime your jump and end up on top of the man he will throw you to the crocodile below. Although it is kind of funny to see a naked 2600 couple doing crotch thrusts. There is another version of the game called Knight on the Town that has the roles reversed.

Neither of these games comes anywhere close to being good or entertaining, but as with all of the “Adult” titles for the 2600 they should be played once just to experience them.

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Players: 1

This is a surprisingly robust and challenging puzzle game that will give fits to even the most seasoned of puzzle fans.

Originally released as Rubik’s Cube (and later changed to Atari Video Cube to avoid lawsuits), AVC is a variation on the popular ‘80s toy. Instead of rotating the cube horizontally or vertically in order to line up the colors, you instead control Hubie the Cube Master, who has the ability to pick up colors and carry them around the cube to place them wherever he sees fit.

When you start, Hubie is one of six colors (red, blue, green, white, purple, or orange), which represents the color that he is carrying. You can move him to any square and hit the fire button to drop that color and pick up whatever color you were standing on. The goal is to have the entire side of the cube all one color, which is easier said than done. For starters it can take a little getting used to the whole rotation of the cube, and it is somewhat challenging when you add in the fact that you can’t cross a cube of the color you are carrying (meaning if you are carrying a blue piece you can’t walk onto a blue square). This means that if you are going to achieve your goal you are going to have to plan out your moves in advance, especially once the cube begins to get sorted. Once you get a side completed you are rewarded with some brief victory music.

While the core concept is simple, the added variations turn AVC into one of the deepest games in the entire 2600 lineup. The Blacked Out cube is somewhat difficult since you can’t see what colors are on the cube unless you move to a new side. Of course it is easy, albeit annoying, to get around this by just constantly moving from side to side to get a good glimpse of the layout. The much more difficult variation however is the restricted movement. In this game you can only move up and to the right, which doesn’t sound that bad until you remember that you can’t cross cubes of the color you are carrying. This means if you want to win the game you will have to plan out your strategies many moves in advance. Now I know what you are thinking, and no two variations doesn’t sound that deep in terms of replay value. That said, there are 50 different cube layouts, which makes this an incredibly robust title by 1982 standards.

The score is kept one of two ways, either by a traditional timer or by the number of moves you have to make in order to win. Those moves add up quickly since you gain a point for every square you walk across and every time you pick up a new color. Once you complete a cube and are feeling good about your achievement, be sure to select the computer play game so that you can be put to shame by 1982 AI. Seriously, it is impressive how quickly it solves this thing.

Given the rarity of the title, one can only assume that a lot of people missed out on this game. If you are a puzzle fan you should check it out.

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Players: 1 – 2

This port of the arcade classic is one of the ugliest games ever made.

Have you ever wanted to be a chef trapped in a restaurant nightmare where you have to assemble hamburgers ingredient by ingredient while being pursued through a multi-story maze by killer sentient food? Well have I got the game for you. Actually I have an unbelievably bad port of the arcade game you should be playing.

You are in control of The Chef, who must build his giant hamburgers one ingredient at a time. This is accomplished by walking across them, which to put it mildly is a bit unsanitary. If there are ingredients below the one you walked across they will be bumped down a level, setting off a chain reaction that impact every layer beneath you. Once you have all four pieces in place it will actually look like a hamburger rather than the four yellow colored ingredients you scampered across.

There are four evil food items that are attempting to impede your quest to build the perfect burger. Pursuing you through each level are a hot dog, an egg, a breadstick and a wedge of cheese. Well, that’s what the instruction manual claims they are. Instead you are being chased by two blinking squares, a line and an apostrophe with legs. Even by 2600 standards the graphics here are incredibly poor. Poor graphics or not however, they are still quite deadly if they come into contact with you. Luckily The Chef has a couple of tricks up his sleeve to take them out.

The best way to dispatch your food nemesis is to use the burger ingredients against them. This can be done either by crushing them with a falling piece, or by triggering an ingredient fall while the bad guy is still on it. In both cases they will be off the screen for a few seconds before respawning at the top of the board (which can occasionally be fatal if you happen to be in that space at the time). Your other method of attack is limited in both quantity and quality. When you press the button The Chef will throw out a dash of pepper, stunning anything that is currently in front of him for a few moments. This gives him a brief opportunity to run through them, which comes in handy in the later levels as there are dead ends that can leave you cornered. Well, the pepper comes in handy in theory since The Chef is so slow that it can be very difficult to make it through the stunned food before it becomes active again.

This brings us to the other major problem with the game, the gameplay. Now I don’t expect a chef to be the fleetest of foot, nor do I expect a bunch of sentient food items to be able to move at a sprinters pace, but it would be nice if they moved at something above a snails pace. The other tricky thing is dealing with the ladders, as you have to perfectly line up The Chef onto the landing before he will step off the ladder, which can be an issue when you are about to be killed by an evil hot dog. Too often you will find yourself trying in vain to make an escape, only to do the Scooby Doo run on the ladder.

While the game is slow to play and hideous in terms of graphics, the one place where it isn’t half bad is in the music department. Apparently the entire game budget went to capturing the arcade theme, which they do an admirable job of. Unfortunately when the music is the only positive thing you can say about a game, it’s probably a safe bet you shouldn’t waste your time with it.

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Genre: Shoot’em Up

Dual Controller Module, basically a piece of plastic

This port of the arcade classic is scaled down, but passable.

Turn up the Peter Gunn theme as you get behind the wheel of the world’s most sophisticated turbo-charged spy mobile.  Hit the streets to clear them of every enemy agent out to destroy you, and presumably the world.

The game starts with the red weapons van dropping you off on the highway, setting you loose to lay waste to enemy agents.  As you drive along you can use your machine gun to take out enemies like the Road Lord and Enforcer, both of whom will try and knock you off the road to your doom.  The biggest threat however is the Switch Blade, a car that has blade extensions on every wheel, which will cut your vehicle to shreds if it gets close enough.

Your machine gun isn’t the only weapon to help you deal with troublesome enemies, as the weapons van can give your car an upgrade.  The oil slick will create a slippery hazard that will destroy a single car if it touches it.  The smoke screen however will completely clear the road behind you of anything that might be a threat.

After driving for a bit the action shifts to the water, as your car transforms into a boat.  The action stays pretty much the same, only now there are mines in the water that will end your journey in a hurry.  Helicopters also appear around this time and attempts to drop bombs on you.

Due to there being multiple firing modes, the game included a Dual Controller Module, which housed two controllers in such a way that you’d have easy access to two firing buttons.  While this was little more than a cheap piece of molded plastic, it did the job quite well.

This is a significantly scaled down version of the classic, with there only being a couple of cars on screen at any given time compared with the near rush hour level of traffic in the full game.  Outside of that however the rest of the game is spot on.  The controls are good, the graphics are solid and non-flickering, and it retains the spirit of the original.  If you are looking for car based mayhem and destruction, this one should be on your list.

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Controller: Joystick

This port of the arcade title is an admirable attempt at bringing it to the 2600.

You are an Ikari Warrior, a member of the elite combat specialist force. Your mission is to go deep into the jungle and murder every single enemy soldier you come across. Sadly your superiors only saw fit to since two of you, armed only with a machine gun and grenades, which makes you wonder who you ticked off up the chain of command.

Both your machine gun and grenades have limited ammo, which is to be expected with the latter but annoying when it comes to bullets. You start out with ninety-nine bullets and ninety-nine grenades, which can only be described as a horrible distribution of resources. Of course carrying ninety-nine grenades explains why you die in a single touch, since it’s obvious you just explode. Since all your ammo replenishes when you die, your best strategy is to just hold down the button as you run through the jungle, constantly sending bullets and grenades flying.

Due to the hardware limitations, there are rarely more than two enemies on screen at any given time. They can be a standard soldier, a tank, or a helicopter. The soldiers can be shot or blown up, while the machinery requires a grenade to take out. There are also other obstacles, like bunkers and buildings, that can be taken out with a single well placed grenade. For those looking for a little more firepower, there are enemy tanks that you can commandeer. Be careful though, because due to some questionable design choices, the tank will explode if it runs out of fuel.

As would be expected, there are a host of hardware limitations that really hold this game back. In addition to the lack of enemies on screen, the single button on the controller means your machine gun and grenades are tied together. In order to throw a grenade you have to hold the button down, which wastes three to four shots. The silver lining is that your character is so big and slow that the fast moving enemy projectiles will kill you long before you run out of ammunition.

Despite the issues, this is a solid attempt at porting the arcade game. However the game came far too late to really make any impact at all, since by 1989 the Sega Genesis had been released so for the same amount of money you could pick up games like Revenge of Shinobi, Golden Axe, and Phantasy Star II. Really difficult to compare the two really.

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