Page 62 - OSG Presents Classic Gamer Magazine #5

“I said freakin’ PONG!”

“Um, Chris… nobody likes Pong.”

“I do.”
By
Chris Lion “Seriously. NOBODY likes Pong. People
may say they do, but they don’t. They’re
being polite—or possibly big liars. Re-
My Secret Shame adult-like “anxiety attack”—well, I was on gardless, no one actually likes Pong. It’s
my way to eventually becoming an adult. too easy. No real skill involved. No
Last week I went to a friend’s birthday I briefly had the urge to balance my graphics. No color. Heck, I don’t think it
and was amazed at how “grown-up” all checkbook. But, thankfully, that moment has any bits.”
my friends have become. Conversations passed quickly.
consisted of adult-like things such as buy- Finally, it was explained to me (in sim- “Could we leave bits out of this?”
ing houses, getting married, having chil- ple terms that I could easily understand)
dren and stock options. Not in that order, that I was to write about my Guilty Pleas- “Look,” my friend said somberly and very
of course, because everything today ure. I sat uncomfortably silent on the adult-like, “No one in their right mind likes
stems from stock options. Still, very phone for a minute and the voice said, Pong. Come on,” he pleaded, “You don’t
grown up conversations indeed. “About video games!” Whew! That could seriously like Pong, do you?”
Whenever these topics come up, I have been embarrassing.
always think about how they don’t apply Weeks later, I got another call saying I “I like it… a lot. In fact, I prefer simple
was two weeks late on my deadline and
to me because that is “grown up talk” and black and white and no nothing graphics
I am still a kid. I do not feel vaguely like no one could figure out what my problem to a spectrum of color and a load of bits!”
an adult even though I am the ripe old was (there was a constant stream of sug- I had thrown down the gauntlet and I
age of 36. Based on my lifestyle, no one gestions and some very rude comments knew it.
would or could ever consider me remotely in general, but no one could actually fig-
adult-like: ure out just what was my problem). I I could actually hear the veins in his
hated to admit it, but my secret shame/ forehead bulging. The voice at the other
guilty pleasure was not with a particular
• I do not have stock options. game on my Atari 2600, but the Atari end stammered, trying to find the right
2600 itself. words: “What in the world… I mean,
where in the… I… who… just what, ex-
• I’m not anywhere near getting mar- My friends—my mature, married, actly, is wrong with you?”
ried (let’s not even go there…) house owning, child rearing, checkbook This guy was going to make me con-
balancing friends—do play video games, fess it all. I swallowed hard, “It’s the only
• I do not own a home—and living in so I am not ashamed to be playing thing I can play.” I felt the relief of con-
Silicon Valley the chances of that games. Sure they bought the game sys- fession, so I prepared to lay myself com-
happening are pretty slim. (see stock tems for their kids, but few children have pletely bare. “It’s slow [like me] and it
options, above). the necessary motor skills to play Cyber makes funny and mostly rude little noises
Tiger at six months. However, these oh- [like me]. I like to play a couple of times a
• I have not now, nor do I think I will so-adult friends play on Super-Duper Nin- week. Certainly not well, but I still like to
tendo systems and PlayStations that do
ever attempt to balance my check- play.” There. I said it… and I liked it.
book. things I could never do, like think! “There is something so fundamentally
These friends play fast moving, excit- wrong with that statement, I just don’t
ing, graphics-intensive games like Speed
• I have no thoughts of ever being a Punks, Indy Racing 2000, Final Fantasy know where to begin. How old are you,
parent (because I am NOT going to VIII and the like. They play with people again?”
share my toys). like Mario and Zelda; they battle along
with John Madden and Bubba Harris. “Shut up.”

• I am 36 and still have toys that I am Me? I’m still trying to master Sneak ‘n “No, you shut up.”
not willing to share. Peek.
Their systems have mountains of “No, YOU shut up.”
• I have more in common with a high memory, codes, and things like bits—lots
school freshman than I do my “adult” and lots of bits. I don’t think my Atari has "No, why don't YOU shut up?"
peers. any bits… maybe a mere quark to their
mountain of bits. But certainly no bits to "You know," I said, "why don't you stop
I am probably the least adult-like per- actually speak of. acting like a child and grow up!"
son anyone will ever meet. I actually To the powers that be at Classic Suddenly, the urge to balance my check-
bought a car recently and during each Gamer, my all encompassing shame of book overtook me. I quickly hung up,
step when I was approved for the loan, my life and my subsequent “game envy turned on my Atari 2600, and played
the car, or the insurance, I was stunned. issues” in regards to my friends was not Pong alone in the dark until well past
“What fools!,” I mumbled to myself, “How enough; I was firmly told I needed to sup- midnight. I will fight growing up with
could they have fallen for my thinly veiled ply my all-time favorite guilty pleasure every fiber of my being. With the
mature act? Don’t they know I’m the video game. And I was told I needed to help of my Atari 2600 and my beloved
least mature person they’ll ever meet?” tell them now. Pong, I will continue to be a poor
When I got the phone call that this excuse for an adult for a few more years.
article was to be about my Secret Shame, “Pong,” I snapped. But let's just keep that a secret
I could not figure out how I was going to between you and me.
Chris Lion
Chris Lion
Chris Lion
put my entire life onto the back page of [Lo-o-ong pause]
the magazine, to which I immediately suf-
fered an anxiety attack. My attack sub- “Did you say ‘Pong?’” came the reply. Chris Lion
sided when I realized that by not “totally
freaking out” and instead having a very “Yes,” I smiled feeling relieved. My se-
cret shame at last revealed to the world.
Classic Gamer Magazine December 2000 62