Page 52 - OSG Presents Classic Gamer Magazine #6

rom March until August of last year, I desk. There were overstuffed boxes on the
found nothing. It wasn’t for lack of trying. floor and circuit boards with dangling wires
I pounded my thrift stores, yard sales, and jammed into bookcases. His office looked noth-
flea markets with a vengeance, looking ing at all like that of a dental professional. It
for a final found-in-the-wild rarity to cap off looked more to me like... like a Thrift Store!
my collection of classic video games. “If I can And as ridiculous as it sounds, my search in-
bag just one more ER,” I swore to myself, “I’ll stinct had been triggered. Like a ravenous bird
never paw through another urine scented pile of of prey, my darting eyes swept the nooks and
moldy eight-track tapes and naked Barbie dolls crannies of his office for video games.
again for as long as I live!” It was a lengthy oath to The bookcase that lined the far wall behind
be sure, but one that countless repetition had long his desk was a good fifteen feet from where I
ago turned to rote. I uttered it for the first time doz- stood, but not distant enough to stop me from
ens of ER’s ago, and every Extremely Rare game I spotting it! Inside that bookcase, sandwiched
found thereafter took greater time and effort for me between a row of books and a stack of enve-
to find than the last. Oh, but the adrenaline rush that lopes, the glint of metal contacts froze my eye.
came with each new conquest! No matter how long They smiled at me like teeth extending from a
the drought, the thrill was always enough to reset my shadowy rectangular mouth of plastic. The
vow and keep me in the hunt for one “last” find. But mouth was the same size as the business end
by mid-summer, it appeared my sources had truly all of an Atari video game cartridge!
run dry. It was as if someone had discovered a drib- Pointing, “Is that a video game in your book-
bling tap in the desert and suddenly twisted it tight. case?” I asked. In my wildest fantasies, I never
As summer dragged on, I canvassed my hunting dreamed I would be asking this question inside
grounds with escalating urgency. Nothing. There my dentist’s office. Nevertheless, the query
wasn’t a Pac-Man or a Combat to be found. Game was familiar enough to me from other environs
Over. Or so I thought. that I knew at once I had struck the perfect bal-
I knew damn well what was happening on the ance between curiosity and indifference.
Internet. eBay! Four years ago, a handful of Dr. Snare hesitated, and then he turned to
smudgy-faced web heads knew what it was. Now it the bookcase. “You mean this?” he asked, rest-
has grown into not only the largest online auction ing a hand on a radio controller of some sort.
web site, but America’s favorite pastime as well. At “No. One shelf up,” I directed.
this very moment, every Uncle Rolf and Aunt Ina in “This?” he asked again, resting a finger on a
the country has a rusty lunchbox or a plastic yard PC modem card.
flamingo for auction on e-Bay. There was a time “No.” My hand twitched, waving him just the
when Spring Cleaning and Back to School meant teeniest bit to the right.
truckloads of donated goods for the local charities. He raised a bundle of letters bound by a
Now, Back to School means new episodes of The ing room held that hadn’t a prayer of tempting theft. rubber band so cracked with age that it disinte-
Antiques Road Show, and Spring Cleaning means Where the hell was that Game Boy when you really grated when he lifted it. “This?”
clearing everything out of attic and closet down to needed it! “Yeah, that’s it,” I said as excitedly as a man
the dust bunnies and hawking it on e-Bay. It used to It was well past noon when Dr. Snare had finally who spent the last three hours reading about
be that I could walk into any thrift store on any day of finished with Charles and called me into his office. the ravages of periodontal disease possibly
the week and sift through Atari games by the box There would be nothing left for me now. My video can.
load. What chance is there now that anyone will game collecting competition had been swarming like Dr. Snare extracted the glinting teeth from
donate twenty year old video games to charity? locusts all morning without me. Couldn’t there at least his bookcase. It was an Atari cartridge, all right.
Everything older than ten months has suddenly be- have been a stinking label-less Frogger at Bargain As he examined it, his face wore the puzzled
come THE hot new collectible on e-Bay. Now that I Bin? I stopped myself short of thinking this day could- expression of a man struggling mightily to recall
think of it, I don’t see too many naked Barbies turn- n’t possibly get any worse. As I entered the doctor’s a long forgotten memory.
ing up at Goodwill anymore, either. office, I braced myself for the discussion that was cer- HOLY CRAP!!!! It was Tooth Protectors!!! I
On August 12, my ritual Saturday thrift store blitz- tain to follow. He would soon be explaining to me how couldn’t believe it. Not in a million years does
krieg was interrupted. Charles had an appointment much orthodontia it would take to allow Charles to anything like this happen in real life. Not in
with his dentist that morning, and my wife was too lead a normal life. “Please remove your wallet, bend mine, anyway. Tooth Protectors is so bloody
sick to take him. I turned hopefully to my daughter, over and say ‘ahhhh.’” rare, veteran collectors doubt its existence.
but I knew it wouldn’t be right to ask her to take him. Dr. Snare had been speaking for a while, but Never sold in stores, Tooth Protectors was a
She was too young to be driving without parental Charles must have absorbed more of it than I did. I promotional video game that was produced in
supervision anyway, having celebrated her second was elsewhere, distracted by the unusual amount of frightfully small quantity. The game was avail-
birthday only a few weeks ago. So I was volun- clutter in the office. Books, periodicals, patient files, able only via a special mail order offer to cus-
teered. My son had been scheduled for some fairly and children’s toys teetered in sloppy towers on the tomers who purchased Johnson & Johnson
major work: two fillings, a cleaning, products such as Crest tooth-
and then his teeth were to be paste. I knew of a dozen other
sealed with a plastic film to protect collectors with larger collec-
them from getting more cavities. tions than my own. Not one of
Sure, I was thrilled that he was them had Tooth Protectors.
getting it all taken care of, but I The game was seldom even
was pretty bummed about the bite discussed. But whenever talk
it would take out of my prime hunt- did come up, it was always in
ing day. skeptical tones or solemn whis-
My car screeched to a stop in pers. There was nothing in
the parking lot at 9:30 to the sec- between.
ond. It took aggressive driving to I had to turn my head be-
sneak in the visit to The Bargain cause my jaw was gaping and
Bin and still make the dentist on my eyes were bulging so wide I
time, but I was up to the task. All could see them. Micro-tremors
of the thrifts on my Saturday circuit rattled me to my core. Theatri-
open at 9 a.m., and under normal cal as it was involuntary, I
circumstances I would be entering mouthed the words, “Tooth
my third one right about now. But Protectors” to the wall behind
not today. Today, my morning me. The wall was flawlessly
would be spent thumbing through unimpressed. It was precisely
back issues of Ladies’ Home Jour- the reaction I needed to help
nal, The Oral Hygiene Genie or me find my composure. By the
whatever god-awful rags the wait- time the doctor looked up from
Classic Gamer Magazine Spring 2001 52