Page 46 - OSG Presents Classic Gamer Magazine #7

Deep Thaw

“moore-tified”

I edge he’s working that makes it seriously By Chris Lion
t wasn’t until I was 25 that I realized I
cool. He walks into the room like he owns
could really enjoy something in which
I completely sucked the life out of.
it. When he looks at a woman, he knows
he could have her and no matter how hard
Last week I was over at a friend’s
house playing “GoldenEye.” Good game. to get she plays it, he will have her…
Lots of fun. There I was having a blast probably several times.
playing a game in which I am arguably the But, Brosnan is best in a fight.
worst player ever. The Brosnan-Bond gets beat up a lot
My hand-eye coordination lacks a cer- and really looks like he’s getting the crap
tain something: mostly my hands under- kicked out of him. Even though he’s being
standing anything that my eyes see and my shot at and tortured, he never looks like
eyes rolling up every time my hands do he’s dying—he looks slightly shocked—in a
something so inane even they can’t believe don’t-you-know-who-I-am?-look.
it: “I’m looking right at Trevelyan… why But what I like most about Brosnan-
can’t those hands manage to shoot him?” Bond is that when things blow up around
Hard to believe as it might be, but every him, he seems slightly pissed off. I keep enjoying being Bond. He’d waltz in, throw
time my eyes roll up in disbelief, I get shot. waiting for him to shout to the henchmen of a fey-punch, order a drink and then look
So if I sarcastically take my eyes off the whatever villain he’s fighting, “That last mis- around the room as if to say, “Hello… I’m
screen, I die… who knew? sile was a little close, and I don’t want to Bond, really I am, isn’t it super?”
Roxy, my long-lost Atari 2600 buddy, lose my hearing before I’m 50… er, 50- The fact that Roxy LOVED him and ac-
has recently come back into my life, and ish… I’d prefer not to kill you, but I feel I tually thought that sex with him was 1) not
brought with her a host of updated video might have to if you don’t knock it off…” If I the most heinous thing in existence and 2)
game systems. Fun as this might be, it only were a henchman and he were to ask, I’d physically possible without him perm a-
makes me realize how bad I am at these stop. “But [evil villain’s name], we’re talking nently damaging something would be too
games and why we lost touch in the first Bond here, I had to stop. Um, since I’m not difficult a strain on any friendship.
place. It’s not what you’re thinking, we did- shooting at him anymore, can I go home The final straw was on a warm sum-
n’t lose touch because of her excellent now?” Okay, that would never happen— mer’s day when were sitting around giving
skills at these games. Nor was it her disas- mostly because I hear the Henchmen’s Un- the Atari 2600 a rest from a rather wicked
trous Madonna-wanna-be phase (which ion has lousy deal (and no dental, can you game of Breakout (hey, it was the 80s),
was odd, because she relentlessly listened believe that?)—but you get the idea. when I saw her true and most shocking col-
to Journey). It was her love and affection Completely opposite of Brosnan-Bond ors. We were talking about our favorite
for Roger Moore that ultimately drove us limps the Roger Moore-Bond. Moore-Bond Bond films and I admitted that for some
apart. is the C. Montgomery Burns of action he- unknown reason, I kind of didn’t hate
For many in my generation, Sean Con- roes. You’ll notice at no time in any Moore- Moonraker, to which Roxy cried out: “Puh-
nery is the quintessential bond, a perfect Bond film is there a stiff breeze, as the man LEEEZE! The best Bond ever was Octo-
British Secret Agent: Cary Grant sophistica- would fall over and break something. pussy!” I didn’t speak to Roxy again for
tion with the ability to kick some major ass. Even I could beat the Moore-Bond in a almost 20 years.
Yet he never did it for me. Even at age fight—and I’ve lost fights to more girls than I have never completely been able to
seven I could pick out the toupee -- not as I would ever admit in any publication. fully grasp the issues of Northern Ireland,
bad as William Shatner’s, but still pretty Moore-Bond never really fought, he and I certainly couldn’t explain anything
bad. walked… er, pranced…? no, he waltzed within the ever-warring Middle East, but if
Timothy Dalton is frightening, albeit bet- into a room and henchmen lunged and fell someone were to say that it all started over
ter than Moore. Dalton always bugged me over as Moore-Bond flailed his arms a debate concerning Octopussy, I would
because he always had a smug look on his around, trying to remain upright. fully understand.
face that seemed to say, “I’m feeling really Maybe he had really bad BO? Could Q For many years, Roxy believed that I
good right now… and please don’t go into have invented a seriously rank odorant that had been threatened by her domination of
the bathroom for at least 45 minutes.” On only repelled villains but reeled in the any game on the Atari 2600. If that were
the plus side, he looked as if he could fight; babes? Because those henchmen fell the case, I wouldn’t speak to my mother.
maybe not win, but at least make a go of it. pretty hard pretty fast and so did the ladies Today, I enjoy video games more than
Roger made my 93-year-old grandfather (the poor things). ever before -- and I’m playing worse than
look spry. I think what bothered me the most was humanly possible. I suck so fully and com-
The current Bond, Pierce Brosnan, is that Moore-Bond always looked two steps pletely that my four-year-old nephew does-
what I call wicked sexy (for a guy, anyway). from a broken hip. He just always seemed n’t like to play video games with me be-
He’s cool and he knows it. He’s got the frail. Maybe that’s why no one ever threw a cause I’ll slow him down. But I’m having a
accent thing working for him (women LOVE real punch at Moore-Bond, they feared they wonderful time all the while I am at my sad,
an accent), but it’s not an upper crust tea- might actually hurt him. pathetic and absolute worst… I have, in
and-biscuit kind of accent—there’s a harder I will say, he always looked like he was fact, become Roger Moore.

Classic Gamer Magazine July 2004 46