Page 42 - OSG Presents Video Game Trader Magazine #14

Every issue, Video Game Trader strives to bring you the best coverage of classic games out there. We, like you, love the nostalgia of reading
about treasured games, but we would be remiss if we didn’t take a look at some of video gaming's worst and finally bury them for good.
R.O.B. (NES) – ―He helps you tackle even the toughest challenge!‖ promised the ad way back in 1984.
Though even in the commercial, he wasn‘t referred to as your Robotic Operating Buddy, maybe because it
was just too embarrassing to say, or perhaps because even Nintendo knew that this amalgamation of plas-
tic and metal would be a buddy to no one. R.O.B. was slow, noisy, and in Stack-Up, one of only two
games that supported your robot buddy, he wasn‘t even necessary to play, acting as more of a hindrance
than help.
The Power Glove (NES) – Yes, I was among the hundred thousand
or so that was tricked into a controller so imprecise, so useless that
it makes the Wii Remote look like a work of genius. Easily the most
promising and yet most useless thing sold by Nintendo for the En-
tertainment System, the power glove wasn‘t needed by any game in
particular. Both games featuring power glove control were playable
with the standard NES controller, though why anyone would want to
is beyond me. Aside, of course, from getting a laugh out of Bad
Street Brawler‘s homoerotic undertones in special moves like crotch tickle, or as the game called it, ―trip‖. Perhaps
Lucas Barton said it best in the Wizard. ―I love the Power Glove, it‘s so bad‖. Yes it is Lucas, yes it is.
Atari Jaguar Controller (Jaguar) – Imagine if you will, a controller more uncomfortable than that of the Dreamcast and
original Xbox, but with the added bonus of having more buttons in worse spots than either. That‘s right, shell out $250 for
the latest and greatest in gaming and get not only Cybermorph, the downright unacceptably bad pack-in game, but the
worst controller ever to come with a system. 12 buttons in the center, laid out like a phone, and unreachable with the
thumb of anyone under the age of 16. Never fear, in case the phone style buttons are too difficult to remember, games
often came with flimsy and easily lost plastic covers for the buttons featuring icons and color schemes designed by some-
one who very clearly hated his job.
Sega Activator (Genesis) – Not content to learn from the
mistakes of others, Sega released the Sega Activator, a con-
trol device for those who want to make their games pointlessly difficult, and break some furni-
ture in the process. Essentially an octagonal series of infrared beams, players use their
hands and feet to break the beams, sending controller signals to the Genesis. Setup aside,
the actual functionality of the controller for games in the advertisement is completely ludi-
crous. As a simple example, Johnny Cage‘s ‗Green Flame‘ attack in Mortal Kombat (Back,
Forward, Back, Low Punch) would require the player to extend their left hand, to send the
back command, then retract it and stick out their right for forward, then their left again and
finally shoot an arm almost straight back to execute the low punch. Street Fighter would have
been even worse with the amount of quarter circles thrown in that game, though I would pay
good money to see someone with an Activator execute Zangief‘s ‗Spinning Piledriver‘.
Konami LaserScope (NES) – As a kid, I enjoyed the amazing games that utilized the Nintendo Zapper. From
Duck Hunt to Hogan‘s Alley, I found them enthralling. As much as I loved the games, I knew the Zapper was
a problem. It worked really well, rarely shooting somewhere I wasn‘t aiming, had a simple trigger interface
that didn‘t challenge me, and above all, I looked far too cool using it. Great minds think alike though, and the
great minds at Konami saw fit to introduce the LaserScope. Compatible with all the games that I previously
used the Zapper for, and without all the nagging issues, not only was it unnecessary, but unwieldy too. Best
of all though, everyone that wore it looked like a total twit.
U-Force (NES) – Ah, it all comes back to the good ol‘ NES. If failed
peripherals counts, then Nintendo of America has surely earned their
Collections merit badge. There are a lot of stinkers in that collection,
but the absolute crowning jewel is without a shadow of a doubt
Broderbund‘s U-Force controller. ―So hot, no one can touch it.‖ While
there were a lot of misleading commercials back then, wireless control-
lers that worked even while facing away from the TV, and that whole power glove thing, the U-Force was the worst.
It‘s not that the controller didn‘t work as advertised, that would have been a welcome relief. The U-Force just
plain didn‘t work. After saving a full summer and choosing between a new game and a new controller, I at
least learned an important lesson. The Nintendo Seal of Quality means absolutely dick. As always, bury this
useless hunk of plastic six feet under.

42 • Video Game Trader Magazine • Issue #14 • Winter 2009/2010 • www.VideoGameTrader.com